Resolve.

What the crap should I do?

Ugh.  Well, apparently someone's been creeping around here a few times, and I know it wasn't me.  First time I've looked at this blog in a while.  Though I figure it's not surprising, considering how I just sort of dropped off the face of everything.

I may just make it official.

But I really don't want to.  It's just... it seems like it may have to be that serious.

I get it.  I don't know if anyone else will.  I'm sure it'll be 'expected', though I have to say it was never planned.  I doubt anyone will believe me.  I just wonder if I can manage both.  I don't think I can.  I've been slowly getting better, but slowly isn't good enough.

Likewise, I've been getting worse in the social department.  I've been getting worse in the drawing department.  That's... that's fucking half of the problem.

I need to study a lot more a lot harder.  I need to draw regularly again, and not just people.  I mean... look how much I improved /by/ drawing people. Especially faces.  I mean.  They aren't amazing, but they are a lot better than they used to be.

If I just did that with everything.

That schedule...  it actually helped.  I've been so opposed to making one for so long, I just.  I didn't like the constraints, didn't like anything about it.  But it may help.  I think it will, if I stick to it.

'Making good habits'.  Man, it's just like then, with Loki.  I had to be dragged along kicking and screaming, but I turned out so much better in the end.  Well.  I don't have him now.  ... Or maybe I do, maybe he's egging me on somewhere, though I doubt he gives a crap now.  I don't know, I shouldn't assume.  I still... respect him a great deal, even after all that's happened.  Because really, all of that changed my life for the better.  Maybe not the sane, but the better.

Now, either directly or indirectly, I don't have that anymore.  I don't have anyone but myself to drag me along through all my mental tantrums of having to do 'what I don't want to do' for something that ends up being exactly what I'm after.  My emotions and feelings are too nearsighted, and yet, I know exactly how it all makes sense and how it applies, and I /want/ to do it.  I just have to get myself through this crap in my head first.

It's only the action that counts, really.  

I can't see myself doing anything else.  There's so much I've dropped out of because I 'couldn't do things my way' and I just... I don't want this to be one of them.  I don't want to fucking give up because my goddamn stupid habits are getting in my fucking way.  sdkjngdnkjg AUGH.  I am SO frustrated with myself.

But I knew it.  I knew that my stuff was just...  augh.

I don't know.  I'm tired.  Maybe I'm being emotional.  But I need to make a change.  I need to keep... mmph.  Maybe I'll ask someone.

I'll give it a time before I make any final decisions.