Death On A Stick

Bluh.

I don't seem to write anything worthwhile anymore.  Or even draw anything worthwhile, really.  Not that either matters, I suppose.  Most of what I blab on about is moreso entertaining than thought provoking, and I don't know if that's good or bad.  

I don't feel like I will ever leave a 'mark' on anything.  Of course, that's not true.  As per the nature of my being, I keep myself rather 'low key' (lol) as I don't want all that attention and bustle around me that comes with having, say, 'lots of friends'.  Or being amazing at well, anything.  At the same time, I really really want to be 'good'.  But I feel like I'm running out of time.

On top of that, what is my drive?  I mean.. really?  I want to do this and that but.  I don't know if I have a drive like everyone else.  And that's not to say that I feel lazy.  Everyone always tells me I'm far too hard on myself, while I don't think I'm hard enough.  I don't actually feel like I'm struggling right now, but it /seems/ to always be a struggle to stay on the path I think will lead me to success.  "Success".  I'm..  not even sure if that's the right word.  

I have a goal, and I want it.  But for some reason, something keeps feeling like I'm going to be edged off that path.  Maybe it's due to never getting what I need to do what I want, or the fact that I... am so much worse than everyone else.  I dunno.  

I enjoy these things so much, yet it almost doesn't seem possible.  I sort of hate to say that.  But I see people who excel soo much in the things I would like to do, and I really don't know how I can ever compare.  I know, gotta work at it.  There's always going to be someone better.  I really don't want to give up until something makes me.

Gods, that's always how I am, isn't it?  

... Muh.

In other news... there's something I'm gonna give up on before it's really 'started'.  As bad as this is, I sorta know how this road goes.  I really do not favor the idea of going down it again.  It gave me inspiration, and hope, but it was so... misguided.  So idealized.  So completely wrong.

It's one of those 'I don't wanna get hurt so I'm not gonna bother' kind of things, but more like 'I don't wanna waste my time.'  I never really got hurt before.  ..  But I don't need that sort of strange, pointless distraction.  

I've always been, and always will be, so far out of that league.  Soooo far.  People keep nudging me in that direction, but I really don't think they see that.  Haaaah.  I am like.  Horrible.  Terrible with people to a ridiculous degree.  I mean..  come now, I've been here for quite a few years now, and only /now/ am I /starting/ to feel like I really might have some friends. 

Friends I never really hang out with.  And barely talk to.  Cause I'm too damn.  dfjkgbsh  ugh.  

It'll be my last year, and things will really take off.  Watch.  That's how it works with me.  I'm so damn slow at life, so slow to get close to anyone.  

I really am one of those 'faceless people', and I know they say 'don't be that way cause the ones who stand out are successful'.  I mean, fuck.  Look at him.  He stands out in all the ways.  I'm sure he'll rock at whatever he wants to do, as well as be able to have whatever he wants to have.

I don't really stand out.  People recognize my face, cause it's weird, but other than that, I mean..  I really don't have anything going for me.  And the sad thing is, while I wish there WAS something going for me, I mean hell.  Quite a bit.  ..  I just.  It's not me.

I've always been kinda quiet.  Kinda observatory.  That thing in the background that only speaks up when my beliefs are challenged, or I feel I must to keep things going.  I don't really feel like anyone needs me for anything, and I know that's not true, but.  I feel more like a 'stepping stone' to others than something that's really 'participating'.  At least..  other than for myself.

No idea if that makes sense.  But eh.

I guess it really doesn't matter how 'good' I am as long as I enjoy my life.  I mean really?  What is there beyond that?  What I do isn't going to be like, idk, representing the gods or anything.  They'd pick someone much better than me for that.  

I'm always first among the outcasts and second best at everything else. 

Pretty damn average at...  everything ever.  At least in the context of everything ever.  To someone who can't draw, I might be pretty good, but in the realm of drawing, I'm not.  To someone who can't fight, I might know a lot, but in the realm of fighting, I can definitely be beat.

Hnnnngh.  Why do people think I'm at all interesting?  That's what I really don't understand.  I.. don't know many people, but those I do know think I am somehow strange.  That I don't think like most others.  I.. wish I knew just /what/ it was that was so 'special' about me, and maybe I could push myself in that direction.  Because I think I'm kind of the most blase, boring piece of crap that ever crapped around.  Not really in a self-hating way.  Just.  

Mm.

Well, fuck it.  I shouldn't like someone if I barely know them anyway, and the bases of that 'shouldn't' comes from my own standards.  I mean, really?  It's pointless.  Course, going and being able to know them would be nice, but.  ...  I don't see that happening.  I guess it could if I really tried, but that seems so forced, and for me, it really would be.  I know no one's just going to 'come to me'.  Everyone ever seems to timidshit for that, and the ones that aren't...  well, they've already got the world at their disposal.  Why they would even come to me in the first place is absurd, but must be more of a 'this looks interesting, why not?' kind of thing.  Or...  maybe they were, in fact, interested once upon a time, and I was just too slow to really.. pick up on it.

Well, whatever.  I'm sure I'm a lost, forgotten cause either way.

So fuck it.  I don't know why I even started considering it in the first place.  People need to stop telling me this shit, cause it gets my hopes up for something andnsdhfdshjgf  don't even need that right now.

I'll just.  Be a derp in my lonerfag corner.

-

SUP.

HAH.  This is a thing.  I am writing it.  And I'm kinda feeling better already.  Hehe.  What the fuck is this song though?  LOL  I don't even know what it is, but I'm like typing 90 mph on the damn thing and..  I don't even know.  

Did they just say 'baby go to bed'?  FFFFFF.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I FOUND THAT SO AMUSING, BUT I KINDA DO.  

This  aSGNJDFNGFNHJNDH  FREAKIN KEEP MY FONT YOU BASTARD.

And then I stopped to fix my font, cause it pissed me off, but that took like 2 seconds.  AUHAGUAHGSUDUG  SONG.  It doesn't really bug me, but it's faaaar too mellow like.  I don't even know.  NEEDS TO STOP THIS MADNESS.  I am going to fix it. OH.  SO THEN IT PLAYS AN AD.  THANKS.

HI YOU ARE A LIVE, I SEE YOU. A LIVE.  YEAH.  HOW ABOUT ALIVE, ANYWAY.  I SEE YOU THERE.  HAVE SOME FREAKIN CONGLOMERATE BULLSHIT.  I don't even know the exact definition for that word, but let's pretend that makes sense, shall we?

HNNGH.  I don't even wanna look up at what i'm typing.  JUST LOOK AT MY HANDS FOREVER.  WHO NEEDS TO SEE THE DAMN SCREEN?  NOT ME.  LOOK AT ALL THE TYPOS.  I actually don't know how many there are since I'm not looking, but LOL I AM GUESSING IT IS HORRIBLE.  Doopdopp.  This song is much better.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm stuff.  Just sighed.  Lololololol.

I LIKE TYPING AT 90 MPH.  IT GETS MY ENERGY OUT.  LIKE HOLY FUCK ADRENALINE, AND THEN I LOOK UP AND IT'S THIS STUPID FONT AGAIN, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?  WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????

BASTARDFUCK,GONNAGETYOUANDYOURGONNASHITYOURPANTSOFFAHAHAHAHA.

That sounds disgusting.  HOLY FUCK.  FONT SWITCHED AND I DIDN'T EVEN STOP TO DO IT HAAAAAAAH.  OH, WHAT NOW, STUPID TIMESNEWROMANBULLSHIT?  FUCK YOUR EMPIRE.  AND YOUR MOM.  ONLY NOT REALLY.  BANE CAN DO THAT.  AT THANKSGIVING.  HAHAHAHAHAAAAH.

I bet no one would get that, BUT I DO SO IT DOESN'T MATTER~  KEKEKE.  I am so retarded.  Guts.  Bodyparts.  TIME MEANS NOTHING~  Happy song.  ALL THE SONGS ARE ALL I TYPE ABOUT cause I'm a cool kid listening to pandora when I'm typing random things to make myself feel better.  Even though I'm not really... upset or any of that.  Just kinda..  Misdirected?  Something.  AND FUCKING HOT, OH MY FUCK, IT IS HOT IN HERE AAAAUGHUAHUG  hug.  I WANT TO FIX THAT DAMN THERMOSTATSHITMYASS THING.  ROFLMAO.  I don't even know, but that made me giggle.

SWEARS ARE THE MOST AMUSING.  TWATWAFFLEASSPISSINGTITLICKINGDICKSUCKERPUPPETS.  I don't even know why 'puppets' showed up in there, but it did.  EYE ITCHED.  Clearly it was important.  HUMHUM.

I CAN NEVER SEEM TO GET ENOUGH~  I don't even know what he says after that.  BUT THEN THERE'S BURNING~  WHOOOOO~  Tehehe.  >u>  Curious how long it's been, this is getting kind of wall of texty.  BACK HURTS.  BULLET TO WASTE IN MY BRAIN.  That's what I always think it says, but it's not.  Derpderp.  DOOP SHE CAN'T DENY.  Totally had a zone out moment there for a moment where I wasn't thinking anything.

I think it's weird that people say that they can't ever think... 'nothing'.  THAT'S SO WEIRD.  I DO IT ALL THE TIME.  JUST.  STARRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE OFF INTO NOWHERE and blank out.  Like.  Nothing's consciously happening.  I wonder if it's cause I sorta know how to 'meditate'.  Hmmm.  Maybe.  Since that's kinda what it's suppsed to be.  AND THEN RANDOM COLORS.  HEAD JUST WENT ALL RED ON ME WAT.  LOL.

But not an aggressive angry red... exactly.  It was more of a..  kind of...  distant adrenaline sort of red.  If that makes any sense.  PROBABLY NOT.  Like.  POTENTIAL ENERGY instead of KINETIC ENERGY.

OH BOY, SCIENCE OUT OF NOWHERE.  WHAT NOW?  Doopddopdopdospdfdsigjdfudgndsg this will be an uncertain time for us, my love~  HEHE.  I don't even know why that made me think of Bane, but it did.  And it was kind of amusing.  I never can really think of anyone else saying 'my love', EVEN THOUGH HE HAS BARELY EVER SAID IT IN CANON.  BET NO ONE REMEMBERS HIM EVER SAYING IT AT ALL though he has.  =v=  It's amusing.  ONE OF THESE DAYS, MAYBE, BASTARDBUTT WILL BE HAPPY.  But I'm not counting on it.  NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW HOW MUCH OF A SAP HE REALLY IS HAAAAAAAAH~  Sad.  Kinda.  But not really.  Just a little bit.  Something.  Random wire fence at my house.

WHY DID THAT EVEN GET THERE?  LIKE.  WAT.  OUT OF NOWHERE MY HEAD JUST went to that fence.  How silly.  BANEFENCE.  MAKES ALL THE SENSE.  All of it.  And then there were polarbears cause I thought of a glacier in ice (HERP DUH) that reminded me of vanilla mochi and... wat.  WAT.  WHERE IS MY HEAD GOING?  I think it's just like..  giving random images to fleeting feelings I have.  Like I felt a soft coolness for a second, so MENTAL IMAGE.  And I noticed metal on my hand earlier so MENTAL IMAGE.

I'm so cool like that.  Images for everything.  DUNNO HOW TO CONVEY THEM VERY WELL, BUT I HAVE THEM.  Which is why I like all the information.  That way, I ca have the intended mental image, instead of something else COMPLETELY RANDOM AND UNRELATED TO WHAT OTHER PERSON IS TRYING TO TELL ME.

Yeah. ... wtf is this song?  GONNA KILL IT.  And then it was dead.  And then it was NIN.  ALL THE MUCH BETTER.  <u<  >u>  

I wonder how long it's been.  I'm curious.  But my hands don't want me to check yet.  They're all like NOOOO I WANNT KEEP GOING AT 90 MPH BECAUSE WE ARE SILLY AND YOUR BACK HURTS AND AUHAFDSGDFijhufdgdfjngkdsfj  YEAH.  YEAH.  YOU LIKE THAT PHYSICAL MOVEMENT DON'T YOU?  EVEN IF IT'S JUST HANDS SEIZURING ON THE KEYBOARD WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY LIKE A WEIRDO WHEN THERE'S A GODDAMN CAPSLOCK BUTTON.  TYPHING.  Typhing.  TYPHLOTHING~  Bane, get the fuck out of my words.  LOL

KNUCKLE CRACK.  And then there was that weirdass red hedgehog thing from sonic.  I GUESS IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN ~* ECHIDNA *~ ... How the fuck do you tell the difference in the sonic land?  FFFFFF.  WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER?  THIS SONG.  IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR BUT NOT.  Oh.  I know what it is now.  I liiiiiiiiiiike it.  =v=  OUO  o      u        o   That made me think of the happy tribal things Vibe sent me forever ago that she said remind her of Selene.  >u>  Hehe.  WE ARE BOTH WRITING AT THE SAME TIME, ISN'T THAT CRAZY?  SO CRAZY LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL  I wonder if she stopped.  Idk, but I'm still going.  NO IDEA HOW LONG IT'S BEEN.  BUT YEAH.  GOING FOREVER.  NNNNNNNGH this song is such a happyface.  It reminds me of this weird magic temple thing that kinda guards metal and water 'magic', but isn't all that metally or watery in construction.  Just.  Very looooooong tall columns.  Dunno how to spell that.  And like.  All these interesting verticals, that look both delicate, and yet overwhelming in their size.  It's a stoney, steel blueish color, almost like stone, but the consistancey of the temple is hard to identify.  Getting up close, the walls kind of glitter and glisten with blues and silvers streaking through the 'stone', and it's just..  very smooth, but also rocky with strange edges in the long vertical ridges at the same time.  ALWAYS PICTURE THAT KIND OF PLACE WHEN I HEAR THIS SONG.  It's interesting and weird.  Wish it existed.  >u>  hehe.

LOLOLOL  AND THEN THOUGHTS KINDA WENT ALL OVER Just sort of enjoying this song and thinking about moving around that temple place.  There was a pool in the center of a room, and going around it, seeing all the reflections.  There was a yellow, almost natural sunlight coming from somewhere, but it seemed to be more from the pool, kind of like an underwater light, than anything, though just from the side.  And the song fades out, everything seems to get covered in a foggy smoke, as it if couldn't exist without the music to conjure it.  That... that would be interesting.

A place that only existed as long as a certain tune was played.  That the sounds, and the waves from those notes made it visible and tangible, and without them, the place simply just did not exist.  Hehe.  

AND THEN THIS DAMN TARGET AD RUINS EVERYTHING.  DIDN'T I JUST HAVE AN AD NOT THAT LONG AGO?  WAT THE FAK.

This.  Seems very long.  I don't think anyone's gonna read this.  Maybe.  I will I bet.  I always reread my stupid titshit.  LOL  ewwwww.  But yeah.  ALMOST 1500 WORDS NOW.  Not really.  1430 something.  BUT CLOSE ENOUGH FUFUFU.  Derpderp.  In my head I actually said 'doopdoop.  BUT HEY, NO ONE KNOWS THAT~  SHHHH.

I wonder if she's ever gonna reply to that rp.  Not that it matters.  Just a curious face.  >u>  

Humhumhum.  And then the coolness shifted to warmth and brought me back to 'reality' kind of.  Man, I have a lot of energy, I feel like I could keep typing forever.  BUT I THINK I AM GOING TO STOP NOW.  IDK HOW LONG IT'S BEEN BUT IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER AND YEAH.  JUST.  Gotta feel like I wanna stop.  Damnit.  Hasn't happened yet.  COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU WANNA GET BORED.  JUST.  DOIT.  DOIT.  DOIT.  AUNGUHFDG  LOL.  

Stuff.

Ok.  

Maybe.  MAYBE.  Nope.  Then I started enjoying myself again.  GODS IT'S ALMOST LIKE 9:36 AND YOU'RE STILL GOING.  WAT THE FAK?  U DUMB?

Hum.  Humhumhumhumhumfhgfnhjndsfgsdhgjjsdfbgaiubashdgu8iwa7orfuhbjksguidbuhkjsdfg

Ok.  Now.  Maybe.  NO DON'T START AGAIN.  DON'T.  DAMNIT.  EVERY WORD I TYPE I AM STILL.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

wow.  I just really stretched this page.  HAH.

Um//\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\// yeah.

DONE NOW.

~