Bad Feelings

... mm.

I don't know what I'm still doing up.  I don't know what..  I am.  

I just.  

I do.  and I don't.  And.  It all makes sense.  And it makes no sense at all.  

I can't figure out how to feel.  I have a choice, and I can't choose.  Who has a choice?  What the hell is that?

To feel completely contradicting things about the same subject.  Opposing forces.  I just don't.

I ...  Mm.  I just know I'm not happy.

I'm sad.  And pissed.  And..  hysterical crazy.  I knew it was coming.  It's about time.  I wasn't expecting it at all.  Where did this come from?  Why did you do this?  Why did I do that?  What do I want?  What do you want?  

..............  UGH.  And then it... no.

I feel everything at once.  Everything.  I kinda... hate it.  

I kinda.. want to let it all out.  But it's not how I feel.  Because I feel the opposite.  No matter what it is...  I feel the opposite too.  

To be what I'm not?  To be all of what I'm not and all of what I am?

Why not?

Why?

What the fuck.  

All I ...  really came to... is how..  unbelievably crazy I am.  I'm ...  mmph.  But even that.

There really isn't anything now is there?

I love how...  that's the line of a NIN song.

..  Probably not right now.

I want to talk probably not right now.

....  mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  

Bad feelings.

I can't think anymore.  It doesn't matter.  I'm not thinking about anything anyway.  There's..  no direction for me to go anyway.  I'm not lost.  Or.. shattered.  And yet.  What IS there?

I've..  never felt like this before.  This simultaneous bipolar apathy.  

But.  For anyone reading this not knowing what I'm talking about...

I guess he broke up with me.

over the phone.  out of nowhere, but kinda... saw it coming.  Kinda..  about time.  And I'm pissed.  And I'm sad.  And I'm hysterical crazy.  And I feel like nothing at all.  And then there's the 'bright side'.  And then there's the 'negative'.  And then there's...

Everything but what I was looking for.

Almost half of my life, being crazy and running after something... that may or may not exist or have ever existed or may exist again somewhere else.  Or somewhere familiar.

But I should give up.

How can I give up on everything?

I'm not talking about that.  

Where do I find happiness?  

Who do I go to?

If you don't want that, I don't want to do it anymore.  

But ever since my head fell apart.... did I ever do it in the first place?

Goddamnit all.

I don't want to be here.

But there's nowhere that wants me either.

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[Lokidottir]

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