Death On A Stick

This is a thing.

Weird Tumblr Questions3

Don't mind this.  8|  I am testing.

Missing

Ugh.  I haven't been here for months.  I don't even remember the last time I was here, given that it's on the timestamp of my previous entry.

I feel like a bit of a mess.  Part of it is probably that stupid pains are happening right now and I'm trying to keep them from getting worse, when what I should really be doing is working on things I need to do.  

I also don't know if it's better to put this stuff up here or keep it to myself.  Maybe it'd be better to know that I'm a person.  

... Shit, I'm coughing.  Am I really getting sick right now?  Auuugh.  

I don't know what's wrong with me on so many levels.  I was getting better once.  Now I'm not.  It's so fucking frustrating.  I know it doesn't have to be that way, but..  8|

Damnit, shit.  I just feel like I'm whining.  None of this is going to do anything, it never does.  I don't know what I think I'll get out of doing this again, but maybe I'm just that desperate.  Good.  If I am actually getting desperate, maybe SOMETHING will happen, though I won't hold my breath.  The moment I 'feel better' is the moment I stop.

I'm so damn impulsive like that.

In random news, for the sake of freewriting, kind of.. Bane sort of disgusts me.  I don't really know what it is with him, but I just... I feel so gross playing with him now.  I've tried several times and it just didn't work and I feel pretty bad about it because he was my baby, given my really... messed up crazy baby.  I don't know.  I almost feel... angry at him?  Disgusted with him?  I can't even figure out why.  Because I pushed him too hard?  Or I ran his story out?  ... It seems ridiculous that I am shifting the blame off a character and to myself, but there is really no one else to blame here but myself.  

There are so many bigger things happening than all this.  Maybe I'm just... 'running' from everything.

I'd like to think sometimes that the more I seclude myself the better off I'll be.  In some ways that's true.  In others, it's not; not at all. I don't want to be disgusted by what I like, or ... fuck I completely lost my train of thought.  ... I'd really like to be more spiritual again.  I'd really like to feel more connected to all those things like I used to, whereas now I am just.. I am exactly what I once didn't understand at all.

I remember, way back then, considering Xiu, when he used to be called that.  I never understood him.  From the outside looking in, he was so caught up in the physical, so stuck in 'this world' and the daily routine that he would never seem to step back and really... feel anything.  He'd never just go out for the sake of going out and connect with all the energy around him.  And to me, that was one of the most important things anyone could do.  It was very soothing, and it seemed to be a way to respect all the energy as well as help the self 'grow'.  Just take a little bit of time to connect.

And all that slowly began to strip from me too.  For a while, it was all I had, during the 'tougher' times here.  But it was different.  I had it, but it was different.  Back home, it still 'remembered' me then, and when I went back it was still there to welcome me.  But now..  after time has passed... it's long since gone.  In both places.  I have such a hard time connecting to any of that anymore.  I feel caught up only in the things here and now.

And these two damn views I want to have conflict.  kljdnfgnkjd  I fucking WANT to focus more.  I WANT to be better at working on things and being able to do quality stuff that is worth it.  I WANT to have fun with it, and I want to be able to fucking sleep.  That requires more focus.  Some kind of something that I can't seem to get myself to do.  And yet, then.. then I want to be spiritual again.  I want to connect to everything around me, maybe notdirectly and socially like one would typically imagine in this society (cause /of course/, when I say 'everything', that means /people/ are most important.  Tch.  ~eye roll~), but... the energy.  I want what I had back.  I think that is a major part of what I am missing, and I tried to figure out how to get that, and... well, I got some productive pieces out of it, but in the end, the experiment failed.  

I just.  Augh.  What the crap is wrong with me?  I am so damn slow.  It's fucking annoying.  

I need to train myself somehow.  I need to set goals I will heed.  I constantly feel that... whenever I have the chance for a 'break' I need to take it, because I will have no time later.  So I take it to its fullest extent, hoping that somewhere in that time I'll find something that will help me 'feel better', or perhaps I do find something temporary that helps me feel better, and then just want it to last as long as possible.  I should have figured out by now that things would be a lot better for me if I would just shift my shedule around and stop being so terrible at everything.  I don't feel I am.  I feel like I have a LOT more potential than this.  I just can't figure out how to get myself to grab it and put use to it.

Ugh.  Whatever.  I'll try to get my shit done before ridiculous hours in the morning today.  I always beat myself up about not being able to, time to prove to myself I actually can do it.

~